i keep watching this vid. this reaction isn't ambivalence, it's just something complex that i'm not doing a good job of putting into words. i keep watching and feeling like i'm missing something important. but i keep watching and knowing that the message isn't as complicated as what my brain wants it to be. i think this just feeding into a massive plot bunny i've been nurturing for several years and can't figure out how to start writing.

my meatspace social circle is overwhelmingly male. they mean well, but there's a lot of nonsense out there that the female dominated media fandoms don't produce anything worthwhile. i can't convince them of my taste in fanfiction, but vids are easy to share and inevitably after the first one they ask for more.